Hello…Again

Hello…Again

I think that everyone remembers that person in high school that they couldn’t forget. Maybe it was that crush that didn’t know that you existed, or the guy that you dated a couple times but never seemed to make a deeper connection or if you are like me, it was the one that gave you your first kiss. We all have those people that we keep stored deep in our minds and we wish that we would have done things differently. All sorts of movies have been made about the fantasy of running into that high school person, be it by random chance or at a high school reunion. Typically these reunion stories involve the heroine of the movie getting payback for all the hurt or rejection they faced.  The fantasy of reconnecting with a lost love and either feeling vindicated or riding of into the sunset straight to their very own happily ever after, strikes a chord in many of us that wonder “what if”.

For me, there was a guy in high school that I was so terribly in love with. For our purposed we will name him S. Just to be clear, I don’t know who the quarterback of my high school football team was, or the star basketball player. I don’t know who was the “it” guy. To me there was just S. He was the crush that set me on fire. The guy I would sneak glances at, the one I wanted to call all the time just to listen to his breath (I never did that though). He was the “it” guy for me. S. was the sort of guy that I fell for instantly. I was socially awkward, just pretty enough to get by and just smart enough to be intimidating to guys my age. He was funny with a boyish grin and a talent for saying the most outrageous things. There is something about a guy that is smart and willing to put himself out there to be charming and flirtatious with girls that always has made my heart melt. The first time I saw him, I just knew that this one was the one I wanted to be mine. I told a mutual friend of ours about my crush and she informed him fairly soon after. I was mortified when he told me what she had said, but I just nodded and said that indeed, I was interested in him. After that we spent some time together, and it wasn’t long before he went for the kiss which ending in several make out sessions. I was head over feet for him, and he always seemed to return the sentiment when we were together, but forget about me the next day at school. After a few months of this, I started to feel like I was his dirty little secret. Not good enough to be his girlfriend, but difficult to resist otherwise. For me, there was no other guy but him. I adored him whole-heartedly. He was the holy grail of boyfriends to me.

It always seemed odd to me that there were any number of articles in teen magazines dealing with how to get a crush to notice you. Just there weren’t any that dealt with how to handle it when the crush notices you, kisses you and makes you feel so many wonderful things and then dates someone else. Teenage hormones are a bitch, and I wasn’t exempt from being a slave to mine. I would go home after one of these makeout sessions, frustrated with need and trembling with the newness of this lightning like desire.  Standing in the shower, I would ache with a want for something I had never experienced. I wanted to go further with him, and I wanted to give him everything that I had, but at the same time, I couldn’t imagine giving him that gift without getting something in return.
Time went by, and eventually I graduated high school. Before I started college, I went to live with my sister. In short order I had found a boyfriend and had a summer romance. I was still bitter about my relationship with S. and decided to lose my virginity to the new boyfriend just to get it over with. It was not the experience of my dreams, and while I was doing it S.’s face was in my head. I left for college and tried to forget. Even still, when I would call my friends back where I went to high school, I would always ask if they had heard anything about S. After a year of college, I had family issues that forced me to take some time off. I enrolled in beauty school and a few months later ended up pregnant with my daughter. I summarily got married and tried to build a life with my new husband. There were still nights when the memory of that teenage romance would haunt me. Certain sappy movies, some love songs on the radio. It seemed like no matter how far my life had moved on, there was still the memory of him and the wish that things had turned out differently.
Years went by and I divorced, then many years later remarried. Throughout this time I started to think about him less often. Occasionally, I would ask my friends if they had heard anything about him. Sometimes I would think that I saw his face in a crowded mall or in the grocery store. I would shake my head and smile because I knew that we had went to high school very far away from where I was living currently. I even talked with a friend about this phenomena and wondered why it was that I only ever saw his face, not other men that I had dated or friends that I hadn’t seen in years. She said that it was normal to never forget you first love and to wish that you could go back and change things. I agreed and decided that is what it must be.
A few months ago I was playing around online and decided to look up old friends from high school. I had done it before, and really all I wanted to do was to find him. I tried searches online and everything I could think of, and never could find even a clue as to his whereabouts. I found cousins, aunts, uncles even distant relatives but never him. But that day I got lucky. I found him on a social networking site, and found, much to my surprise, that he was living in the town I had just recently moved away from. The one I had been living in since I left college. My hands were shaking as I typed out an email to him. I was fairly certain that it was even odds on whether he would even remember me. I thought that if he did, I was probably the last person he would welcome an email from, because we did not leave things on the best of terms. So I hastily typed out an email just saying hello and hoping that he remembered me and didn’t mind hearing from an old friend. That I noticed on his page pictures of him with his wife, and that I am glad to see that he is happy and how much I would love to hear from him and find out what he had been doing since high school. I pressed send before I could change my mind.
Imagine my surprise when a few hours later I saw a reply from him in my inbox!
If you would like to hear more of this story please let me know.  This is my first attempt a this sort of narrative.

Buy Nothing-

I have been reading a great deal lately about the Buy Nothing movement. Another trend sort of like it is downsizing your life, getting rid of commercialism and clutter. In the first movement people are trying not to purchase things, in the second, people are giving away or otherwise getting rid of all the stuff they have that they don’t NEED or use. These are great things, and I am certainly not one to criticize, but I just wonder when did this become trendy?

I am recently remarried, but for a long time I was a single mom. My daughter and I lived off of about $2.50/day. We didn’t eat out unless someone else was paying. No movies, no CDs, no cable TV. I worked from home on a borrowed computer because I knew that it would be hard to afford the gas for a commuter job and the company I worked for provided high speed internet and a phone line. My daughter was home schooled,for a variety of reasons, one being because that way it didn’t matter what sort of stuff she had or what clothes she wore. I still don’t have a cell phone, and for awhile I didn’t even have a home phone. My entire small apartment was furnished from a thrift store and free cycle.

The nice thing was (and still is) no credit card debt, because they don’t give credit at decent rates to poor people. We had to go to the library if we wanted to read, going to free art gallery openings was groovy because most of the time they offered free refreshments and great art, we attended lots of school board meetings, city council meetings and fund raisers because they are worthwhile, and often have free food.

Now that I am married, we have a little more breathing room, but still it is a big struggle, and no room for recreational shopping or impulse buying. The thing is, I thought this was called poverty not a trendy movement. Maybe it is different if you are doing it by choice not because you have to. Never for a moment did I pat myself on the back and think that I was doing something good for the planet, I was just trying to get through the day. And a good day was going to bed not feeling just a little hungry.

The thing is, there are millions of people in the US just like I was, and most of them are single moms. Working poor, one bad choice away from living on the street. We think of homelessness and hunger we don’t think about that single mom that works in our office and always dresses a little odd or frumpy. The lady that gets left out of Friday Pizza parties and such because she just can’t chip in the $5.00, who just eats peanut butter and jelly sandwiches she brought from home, and everyone wonders what her problem is. That lady is the one to whom the whole idea of people making a choice to not buy anything, needing to self congratulate for not being greedy Americans, buying books on how to not buy things or to get rid of what you own, and starting support groups, is just a tiny bit offensive.

Who knew poverty would become the next big trend????

My top 10 interests according to Live Journal.

1. cheri huber:
   I collided with the work of Cheri Huber while pillaging a lovers bookcase. (Lovers that read are the best, and it was a diversion from his closet) Her easy to understand Zen perspective put me on a path to heal some of the most severe scarring from my childhood and allowed me to see the very heavy bags that I could finally put down. The best advice she gives is “There is nothing wrong with you.” and “Don’t take anything personally.”
2. chocolate:
   MMMMMM.. the good stuff. I’ll admit it; I am a chocolate snob. Only the most pure, expensive, dark goodness for me. Don’t come to my door with a dozen roses and a box of Russell Stovers. For me, it is daises from your yard and a small box of Godivas. I am quality. I take the time to notice and make the effort to do things for a person I love that are personal and charming.. and of course I expect nothing but the best in return.
3. flirting:
   Ah yes.. the dance. I think I am well skilled in the art. There is a finesse that can only be learned through years of mentoring at the feet of Southern Ladies that have forgotten more about men than most women ever knew. Flirting done right doesn’t stop at catching a man’s eye, rather, it compels him to become more than he thought he could, and to be shameless in his enjoyment of it, all the while still thinking that he is leading the dance.
4. john mayer:
   In this world of ready made, take out style pop music, I love the singer songwriters that are still out there pouring out their hearts and making love to their guitars.
   My favorite line is-
   “I sleep with this new girl, I’m still getting used to . . . She says the bible is all that she reads, prefers that I not use profanity- but your mouth was— so dirty.”
   Yes John.. my mouth is so dirty. (even without profanity)
5. nirvana:
   Kurt was so very far ahead of his time. He spoke often about the angst and fear that so many of my age group felt. We came of age during a time when the world was changing so fast. We were the casualties of the Free Love generation. They gave birth to us, after the divorce left us to grow up on our own, moms working full time, dads with new wives. As we started to graduate from high school the Iron Curtain fell and the Internet was born. Kurt wrote with the passion of all of us that never believed in Santa or the Tooth Fairy, that are too skeptical and unconvinced.
   “I wish I was like you- Easily Amused.”
6. sex:
   I like sex. I like it hot and dirty, slow and deep. Sweaty, fast breathing, messy sex. I consider myself to be somewhat of a purist. I don’t like props, I don’t like it solo. I don’t need anything to get me off other than an unselfish partner and a hard cock.
7. shoe fetish:
   I love shoes. I love wearing them, buying them; even looking at pictures of cute shoes is enough to get me wet. Shoes make me happy. I recently went shopping with a man to get him some shoes. I was just tagging along but was shocked when he picked up a pair just like the ones he was wearing and said “These will work.” I was shocked. I asked him if they made him happy, made him feel handsome or better, and that if they didn’t I wouldn’t mind looking around at a few more stores. He looked at me like I was crazy and said “Really, they are just shoes, They don’t make much of a difference to my happiness” Unbelievable!!
8. parenting:
   Too much information is already available on this topic, and I feel unqualified or maybe even overqualified to elaborate on it.
9. tea:
   I grew up on sweet iced tea, still to this day it is my drink of preference. This interest however, was more about tea parties, or going out to tea. It is great fun to dress up nice, white gloves and a pretentious hat and have high tea at an lovely tea house. Of course then give my escort a blowjob in the parking lot after.
10. thinking:
    Sometimes I think too much