I think that everyone remembers that person in high school that they couldn’t forget. Maybe it was that crush that didn’t know that you existed, or the guy that you dated a couple times but never seemed to make a deeper connection or if you are like me, it was the one that gave you your first kiss. We all have those people that we keep stored deep in our minds and we wish that we would have done things differently. All sorts of movies have been made about the fantasy of running into that high school person, be it by random chance or at a high school reunion. Typically these reunion stories involve the heroine of the movie getting payback for all the hurt or rejection they faced. The fantasy of reconnecting with a lost love and either feeling vindicated or riding of into the sunset straight to their very own happily ever after, strikes a chord in many of us that wonder “what if”.
For me, there was a guy in high school that I was so terribly in love with. For our purposed we will name him S. Just to be clear, I don’t know who the quarterback of my high school football team was, or the star basketball player. I don’t know who was the “it” guy. To me there was just S. He was the crush that set me on fire. The guy I would sneak glances at, the one I wanted to call all the time just to listen to his breath (I never did that though). He was the “it” guy for me. S. was the sort of guy that I fell for instantly. I was socially awkward, just pretty enough to get by and just smart enough to be intimidating to guys my age. He was funny with a boyish grin and a talent for saying the most outrageous things. There is something about a guy that is smart and willing to put himself out there to be charming and flirtatious with girls that always has made my heart melt. The first time I saw him, I just knew that this one was the one I wanted to be mine. I told a mutual friend of ours about my crush and she informed him fairly soon after. I was mortified when he told me what she had said, but I just nodded and said that indeed, I was interested in him. After that we spent some time together, and it wasn’t long before he went for the kiss which ending in several make out sessions. I was head over feet for him, and he always seemed to return the sentiment when we were together, but forget about me the next day at school. After a few months of this, I started to feel like I was his dirty little secret. Not good enough to be his girlfriend, but difficult to resist otherwise. For me, there was no other guy but him. I adored him whole-heartedly. He was the holy grail of boyfriends to me.
It always seemed odd to me that there were any number of articles in teen magazines dealing with how to get a crush to notice you. Just there weren’t any that dealt with how to handle it when the crush notices you, kisses you and makes you feel so many wonderful things and then dates someone else. Teenage hormones are a bitch, and I wasn’t exempt from being a slave to mine. I would go home after one of these makeout sessions, frustrated with need and trembling with the newness of this lightning like desire. Standing in the shower, I would ache with a want for something I had never experienced. I wanted to go further with him, and I wanted to give him everything that I had, but at the same time, I couldn’t imagine giving him that gift without getting something in return.
Time went by, and eventually I graduated high school. Before I started college, I went to live with my sister. In short order I had found a boyfriend and had a summer romance. I was still bitter about my relationship with S. and decided to lose my virginity to the new boyfriend just to get it over with. It was not the experience of my dreams, and while I was doing it S.’s face was in my head. I left for college and tried to forget. Even still, when I would call my friends back where I went to high school, I would always ask if they had heard anything about S. After a year of college, I had family issues that forced me to take some time off. I enrolled in beauty school and a few months later ended up pregnant with my daughter. I summarily got married and tried to build a life with my new husband. There were still nights when the memory of that teenage romance would haunt me. Certain sappy movies, some love songs on the radio. It seemed like no matter how far my life had moved on, there was still the memory of him and the wish that things had turned out differently.
Years went by and I divorced, then many years later remarried. Throughout this time I started to think about him less often. Occasionally, I would ask my friends if they had heard anything about him. Sometimes I would think that I saw his face in a crowded mall or in the grocery store. I would shake my head and smile because I knew that we had went to high school very far away from where I was living currently. I even talked with a friend about this phenomena and wondered why it was that I only ever saw his face, not other men that I had dated or friends that I hadn’t seen in years. She said that it was normal to never forget you first love and to wish that you could go back and change things. I agreed and decided that is what it must be.
A few months ago I was playing around online and decided to look up old friends from high school. I had done it before, and really all I wanted to do was to find him. I tried searches online and everything I could think of, and never could find even a clue as to his whereabouts. I found cousins, aunts, uncles even distant relatives but never him. But that day I got lucky. I found him on a social networking site, and found, much to my surprise, that he was living in the town I had just recently moved away from. The one I had been living in since I left college. My hands were shaking as I typed out an email to him. I was fairly certain that it was even odds on whether he would even remember me. I thought that if he did, I was probably the last person he would welcome an email from, because we did not leave things on the best of terms. So I hastily typed out an email just saying hello and hoping that he remembered me and didn’t mind hearing from an old friend. That I noticed on his page pictures of him with his wife, and that I am glad to see that he is happy and how much I would love to hear from him and find out what he had been doing since high school. I pressed send before I could change my mind.
Imagine my surprise when a few hours later I saw a reply from him in my inbox!
If you would like to hear more of this story please let me know. This is my first attempt a this sort of narrative.